In which I whine about the local Pagan meetup group

I'm feeling a little miffed after my first "witches meetup" here in town. There were about fifteen or so people there, and everyone was really nice, but I definitely felt like an outsider. It was clear that everyone in attendance was part of a more closely knit group and the conversation rarely strayed from business related to the running of their own group and its events or inside jokes passed between members. My friend Hawk came with me, and she ran into someone she knew from work. We spent the first five minutes in the room fending off her shocked questions. Hawk is very private, and apparently the fact that she'd never shared her religious affiliation with folks at work warranted comments like, "Since when are YOU Pagan?" and, repeatedly, "Really? Really?" The best was, by far, "But I've never seen you guys at [local open circles hosted by aforementioned group]." Like somehow that has any effect on whether or not we're Pagan.

The general sentiment of the meeting seemed to be that because Hawk and I aren't members of this group and aren't vocal about our practices, we somehow are less Pagan or needed basic things explained to us. I don't think these folks would agree with my assessment, but I found myself resenting them for treating Hawk and I like we didn't know anything. If I asked someone a quick question about their tradition, I got an explanation about how "Neo-Paganism is made up of a lot of different traditions...blah, blah, blah." I found myself saying things like, "Yeah, I know. But what I was asking was specifically..." People just kept assuming that I was some sort of noob just because I'd never been to the meetup.

Very frustrating. I definitely won't be going back, and have totally been turned off about this particular group.

Nevermind the girl who told me that she was "formally trained in a coven based on eclectic and Gardnerian Craft."

Uh...huh? *facepalm*

When I asked her to elaborate she started trying to give me an irrelevant history of Wicca in the U.S. that I think she needed way more than I did.

And then it turned into light Satanist and atheist bashing (always followed closely with whining about how nobody is accepting of Pagans and woe is us).

When the local Pagan Pride Day came up in conversation, I mentioned that I'd never been because it usually falls on or near the equinox. It went like this:

Me: "Yeah, I'd like to go, but I never can because it usually falls on Mabon."

Her: "So why can't you come?"

Me: "Uh, because I'm circling for Mabon."

Duh.

Anyway, that's enough whining on my end. I just left feeling really grateful to already be a part of a group, and especially a closeted one. More and more I understand my HP, who refuses to socialize with other Pagans at all.

So I just saw my first episode of Charmed...

...and Buffy the Vampire Slayer it is not. I do love how it uses that Love Spit Love cover for its theme, though. It doesn't even make sense taken out of context and is so clearly only there because it was the theme from The Craft just a couple of years earlier. So subtle.

But at least I now know where a lot of the dumb stuff I keep seeing around the Community comes from (including the aforementioned mispronunciation of the word "sabbat").

There's actually been a lot going on recently. I'm in my finally year of undergrad (again) and will officially be starting the MA in the fall. I'm still waiting to hear back from a couple of the programs I applied to, but I already got the one I want. If X Ivy League gives me money I'll have to give them serious consideration, but I seriously doubt that will happen. And I wouldn't be a good fit there, anyway. The school I've picked is not only a top program with a high placement record, but it's even closer to my coven than I already am. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I'm going to specialize in modern witchcraft, I need to be in an area where I'm close to both Family and a wider Community.

I registered for Free Spirit Gathering earlier this week, which is the highlight of my year. If you ever get the opportunity to attend a week-long festival (especially this one), I recommend that you do so.

I've been making an effort recently to be more social and establish some sort of niche in the Community in my town. I've spent the last several years avoiding them, but I don't want to be so narrow anymore. My group is so insular (and we're all very, very closeted as a group) it would be easy to just melt into the background. As it is, I go to open rituals and other events and people are already suspicious of me because of my career choice. Not to mention the other things about me that seem to mark me as "other" amongst Neo-Pagans: my hatred of all things child and marriage-related, my refusal to use terms like "Earth Mother" or pretend that my period is anything other than a nuisance, my disbelief in karma (a term that practically everyone misuses anyway), and my hostility toward the New Age. Yeah, I fit right in. But I digress. In short, I'm just trying to get out more. I connected with my coven in a roundabout sort of way that involved me taking a chance and diving into the sea of idiots in my local Community. There's always the chance I could find others of like mind and learn something.

So I've joined a local gathering of tarot readers, which has already been very profitable. I've been reading cards for a while, but I've already learned so much more just by hanging out with more experienced readers. At Imbolc, I committed myself to deepening my relationship with the cards and spending the year learning as much as I can. My deck collection has grown quite a bit recently, too. I finally got a copy of the Chinese Tarot, which has been out of print for a while. In the process of looking, I also found that some of my decks have become quite sought after in the last few years (not that I would sell them, but it's good to know). I've also recently acquired a new Thoth deck (my first one was given to me by the brother of a girl who died of a drug overdose, which makes me feel weird using it even if I do appreciate the irony), the Druidcraft Tarot, and a few others. Unlike some of my fellows, I don't have any trouble reading with used decks (even the old Thoth deck is a problem more because of him than her), so I usually have more options when it comes to deck selection. The old standby remain the Universal Waite, though.

One of the women in the group is offering a workshop on advanced reading and I thought I may sign up for it. My general policy has always been that I don't pay for things like that, but after having met her and seeing that she's legit, I may give it a go.

Speak ye little, listen much

As some of you know, I come in and out of Blogger and YouTube. I'll post a lot for a while, then disappear, and sometimes delete my accounts altogether - only to start over a few months later. The root of this behavior is a personal discomfort with making a private matter like spirituality open to discussion on a public forum. Sure, we're all here to learn and meet others, but there's also a certain degree of vanity involved. You have to be at least a little narcissistic to keep a public blog or vlog. If you weren't, you'd be content to share in more private ways, or not share at all.

But there's something gratifying about putting our ideas and experiences on the internet and getting input from others, perhaps even garnering some sort of following, be in through subscribers, questions from newbs in your inbox, or whatever. Increasingly on YouTube, I'm seeing people who are setting themselves up as teachers of Wicca. I don't mean the people who post the occasional book recommendation or incense recipe. I'm talking about the folks who consistently post "how to" videos on working spells, conducting ritual, or long "educational" videos on things like traditions, correspondences, etc. It's not the genre itself that I have a problem with. While I admit to finding the whole thing unpalatable myself, I get that some people's only resource is the internet and these videos may fill a specific need.

What I have a problem with is that most of the people making such videos have no qualifications whatsoever. A lot of them are themselves beginners. This isn't me going, "Hey! These people are new and aren't teaching Wicca the One Right Way!" Rather, I'm saying that there seems to be a stigma attached to being a beginner. People get into Wicca, set up a YouTube channel, and immediately start putting out information from whatever book they've just read. They try to set themselves up as authorities right away.

Why can't we all just be okay with where we are on our own paths? Why do so many people insist on declaring themselves "teachers"? This to me is the ultimate vanity in the Community, both online and off. It happens at open rituals and festivals too, but it's all over the internet. It's like everyone wants to be a Witch (and a High Priest/ess, no less), but no one wants to do the real work that that entails, or even figure out what that means. Everyone wants adoring students, but no one wants to take the responsibilities that having real students entails or do the personal work required to even be qualified.

So I just wanted to make this post to say that it's okay to be where you are. /rant

Sa-bought

I don't mean this as any sort of criticism, I just find it hilarious and felt compelled to say something. Those of you with any insight, please fill me in:

Why are people on YouTube suddenly pronouncing the word "sabbat" like it's "sa-bought"? With the emphasis on the second syllable and the "aww" on the vowel? Sabaaaawt... It makes me giggle almost as much as my neighbor's Southern-isms ("Whut th' hayell..."). I noticed it first on one person's account, and then I started hearing it from every other person. What's funny is that some people pronounce the word one way in early videos and then change in later videos. So who started this really weird and amusing trend? Did TipToeChick or one of YouTube's other BNPs say it this way?

I don't think pronunciation matters all that much, but I will say that I have never ever in my life heard any Wiccan or Pagan outside of YouTube pronounce it this way. Never once, and I've met hundreds of Pagans in all sorts of settings.

Just an observation. As you were.

Happy New Year!

It's been a while. A lot has changed. It seems like I say those things every time I sit down to write something. In the last few days I've posted several new videos to YouTube (user name DrawkingKenaz) for those of you who follow them. But this has been a pretty hellish semester, so I haven't done much writing. Grad school applications are finished! Now I just sit around and wait.

The most major thing that's changed for me is I'm once again a member of a coven. This second go around has been completely different, though. I finally feel at home. I'm older, I've experienced more, and I have a much better sense of who I am. I feel really lucky. I'm also coming out of a pretty significant period of depression, so my solitary practice has been kicked up a notch. It feels good to finally be circling regularly again. It's weird how the things that make me the happiest are the things that often go first when I get in a bad head space.

One of my resolutions for the year is to write more, so I'm going to be around this thing more frequently. Hope you all had a good first day of 2011!