So I just saw my first episode of Charmed...

...and Buffy the Vampire Slayer it is not. I do love how it uses that Love Spit Love cover for its theme, though. It doesn't even make sense taken out of context and is so clearly only there because it was the theme from The Craft just a couple of years earlier. So subtle.

But at least I now know where a lot of the dumb stuff I keep seeing around the Community comes from (including the aforementioned mispronunciation of the word "sabbat").

There's actually been a lot going on recently. I'm in my finally year of undergrad (again) and will officially be starting the MA in the fall. I'm still waiting to hear back from a couple of the programs I applied to, but I already got the one I want. If X Ivy League gives me money I'll have to give them serious consideration, but I seriously doubt that will happen. And I wouldn't be a good fit there, anyway. The school I've picked is not only a top program with a high placement record, but it's even closer to my coven than I already am. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I'm going to specialize in modern witchcraft, I need to be in an area where I'm close to both Family and a wider Community.

I registered for Free Spirit Gathering earlier this week, which is the highlight of my year. If you ever get the opportunity to attend a week-long festival (especially this one), I recommend that you do so.

I've been making an effort recently to be more social and establish some sort of niche in the Community in my town. I've spent the last several years avoiding them, but I don't want to be so narrow anymore. My group is so insular (and we're all very, very closeted as a group) it would be easy to just melt into the background. As it is, I go to open rituals and other events and people are already suspicious of me because of my career choice. Not to mention the other things about me that seem to mark me as "other" amongst Neo-Pagans: my hatred of all things child and marriage-related, my refusal to use terms like "Earth Mother" or pretend that my period is anything other than a nuisance, my disbelief in karma (a term that practically everyone misuses anyway), and my hostility toward the New Age. Yeah, I fit right in. But I digress. In short, I'm just trying to get out more. I connected with my coven in a roundabout sort of way that involved me taking a chance and diving into the sea of idiots in my local Community. There's always the chance I could find others of like mind and learn something.

So I've joined a local gathering of tarot readers, which has already been very profitable. I've been reading cards for a while, but I've already learned so much more just by hanging out with more experienced readers. At Imbolc, I committed myself to deepening my relationship with the cards and spending the year learning as much as I can. My deck collection has grown quite a bit recently, too. I finally got a copy of the Chinese Tarot, which has been out of print for a while. In the process of looking, I also found that some of my decks have become quite sought after in the last few years (not that I would sell them, but it's good to know). I've also recently acquired a new Thoth deck (my first one was given to me by the brother of a girl who died of a drug overdose, which makes me feel weird using it even if I do appreciate the irony), the Druidcraft Tarot, and a few others. Unlike some of my fellows, I don't have any trouble reading with used decks (even the old Thoth deck is a problem more because of him than her), so I usually have more options when it comes to deck selection. The old standby remain the Universal Waite, though.

One of the women in the group is offering a workshop on advanced reading and I thought I may sign up for it. My general policy has always been that I don't pay for things like that, but after having met her and seeing that she's legit, I may give it a go.

Happy New Year!

It's been a while. A lot has changed. It seems like I say those things every time I sit down to write something. In the last few days I've posted several new videos to YouTube (user name DrawkingKenaz) for those of you who follow them. But this has been a pretty hellish semester, so I haven't done much writing. Grad school applications are finished! Now I just sit around and wait.

The most major thing that's changed for me is I'm once again a member of a coven. This second go around has been completely different, though. I finally feel at home. I'm older, I've experienced more, and I have a much better sense of who I am. I feel really lucky. I'm also coming out of a pretty significant period of depression, so my solitary practice has been kicked up a notch. It feels good to finally be circling regularly again. It's weird how the things that make me the happiest are the things that often go first when I get in a bad head space.

One of my resolutions for the year is to write more, so I'm going to be around this thing more frequently. Hope you all had a good first day of 2011!

Coming home

I'm back home and getting settled. I'm more or less over the jet lag and am now trying to get back in the swing of things here in Raleigh. It's been more difficult than I thought it would just because right away there's so much to do. Get bills paid up, dust, weed (the garden is a mess, though the plants are all quite happy), beg for my job back, catch up with friends, etc. etc. Oh yeah, and persuade my cat to start speaking to me again. He spent the month living with a friend and was Not Happy With Me upon his return.

Tonight I've got a phone date with E, the HPS of the coven I'm interviewing with. I'm pretty excited about it and hope that my old cell phone won't crap out on me halfway through. I'm having my usual misgivings. On the one hand, I think I'm ready for taking another stab at group work. I don't think I'm meant to be solitary. On the other, school eats my life. Being in a coven brings a lot of responsibility and it can be a big time commitment if you're having to travel to circles. "I have a lot of homework tonight" doesn't really fly as an excuse. Not that I can't be committed or I'm planning on being a flake, but everyone's got a life that gets in the way sometimes. In the fall, I have to start sending out applications and bracing myself for rejection, and I don't know how smart I'm being taking on coven responsibilities at the same time. But, again, life is always going to get in the way and at some point we have to just suck it up and either do what we want or not. This is what I want. I just have to be really disciplined.

Part of this is me freaking out about school. Again. Still. It never ends. The goal is to stay in Raleigh. That leaves me with exactly two school choices, one of which isn't exactly ideal (Duke) and the other which will most likely reject me (Chapel Hill). I'm applying out of state, too (so far Indiana and Columbia...more to come), but honestly I haven't formulated much of an opinion on any other schools. SOMEONE TAKE ME PLEASE.

Interviewing for a coven and reflections on the past

So for the last month I've been in Paris for school. This past week I finished my program, and now I'm just here for another week to actually enjoy the city sans homework. My parents arrived two days ago to accompany me. Suddenly the trip has an entirely different atmosphere, as my father is Very Very American. He's appalled at the absence of ice in drinks, air conditioning, and spacious bathrooms. I think I actually heard him threaten someone at the Louvre yesterday.

Anyway, that's not what I'm here to write about.

I'm writing because for the last two weeks I've been e-mail interviewing with a coven and I've made it to stage two: the phone call. Obviously, that has to wait until I get back, but I'm really excited about it. Mostly I've been e-mailing with the group's HP, but it was the HPS who sent me the last e-mail, saying she'd like to continue the discussion via the telephone. I think if I hadn't done this once before already I'd be scared out of my mind. Now, I figure they'll either be a match or they won't. If they're not, I'll keep seeking. I was really hoping to find a coven within this particular tradition (which I won't name out of respect for the group and for the sake of my own privacy) and I'm pleased to have finally done so.

This particular group is very much in the broom closet, which actually pleases me quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm personally very open about being Wiccan, but I'd rather be a part of a group that wasn't very public. The wider Pagan community, bless their hearts, is just a huge headache sometimes, and I don't want to get caught up in the drama that inevitably arises when differing trads and opinions interact for prolonged periods of time. If no one knows what you do and believe, then no one's there to argue with you. I'm especially trying to avoid the "Real Wicca" debate. Yeah, I have an opinion and it's something I care about, but I don't want to fight about it. It doesn't solve anything. Trad Wiccans are always going to go on doing what they're doing, and eclectics are going to keep on, too.

It's so weird to be interviewing with coven #2 and thinking back on where I've been and how far I've come. I got involved in Wicca the same way most people do nowadays: through a friend, and by reading the kind of books that make me cringe now. I remember being in high school and dreaming of the days when I would have my own money to buy whatever books or supplies I wanted, the freedom to practice ritual openly (outside, even!), the ability to attend festivals and open rituals, and the knowledge and experience to finally feel comfortable with what I was doing. Most importantly, a real connection to the Divine. Now, with or without a coven, I'm finally here. It makes me think about the two friends I started all of this with back in high school. I don't keep in touch with either anymore. I wonder if they're still Pagan.

As a sidenote, a million thank yous to my thirteen-year-old self for starting to journal right away and being so consistent. While not every little thing is documented, there's enough to get an overall sense of where I've been. It can't be overemphasized how important it is to start a book of shadows (or something) right away. My first was a composition notebook covered in duct tape. After that it was three ring binders. Now, it's mostly bound books. But it doesn't matter. They all end up being precious in the end.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. In a little while it's off to dinner at a very French restaurant that, despite the heat and no ice, I hope my parents will find charming and satisfying.